It’s Monday. This is exactly how I feel; like burying my head in a blanket or pillow and just turning off from life.
Every day is too much to handle.
I am literally rushing from one thing to the next with little down time in between. Going back to work is still as much of a nightmare as it was week one. I am literally running down stairs dodging coworkers trying to make it to my husband’s car in order to breastfeed my daughter on breaks and somehow manage to get my work done, eat meals, drink enough water, and keep my sanity. Actually, I’m not so sure about that last part, as I feel quite insane right now.
Breaks do not exist anymore. And it’s freaking me out. I keep questioning how others do this? How do they balance work and home life? Do they have nanny’s? Extra help? Etc?
Currently, I go to work for ten hours while my husband watches our daughter and then when I get home, he goes to work for the rest of the night. We barely see each other. We don’t even have time for each other even when we do because it’s all about taking care of baby and taking care of our own immediate needs like you know…eating, sleeping, showering and the like.
I want to know. What is the secret? Is it really just this hard for everyone? Because if not, I’m starting to feel like there is something very wrong with me, like I just can’t handle things, that I’m just not very capable of working full time and being a mom full time.
In fact, all grace that I used to give myself has gone completely out the window and has been replaced by a massive load of guilt.
Yes. Guilt. Lots and lots of guilt.
I feel guilty because I work full time and am not around for my daughter.
I feel guilty because when I do get home from work I am so incredibly tired that I don’t want to do anything, let alone take care of a baby, play with her, cook dinner, or do laundry.
I feel guilty because I am just this massively angry person now. I feel bitter because I have to work full time and I get mad whenever I see other mothers that are fortunate enough to stay home with their children and raise them completely. I feel angry because my husband gets to stay home instead. I feel angry because I wish he had the breadwinning job and not me. I feel angry because I am so tired and I don’t get any of my needs met on a regular basis like getting enough sleep, eating enough, or even getting to shower as often as I’d like. Forget time for me. Forget relaxation or exercise. Those are luxuries.
And on top of that, I feel guilty because I feel angry.
And I feel guilty because my daughter just wants to stay up and cuddle or comfort feed with me sometimes and honestly I just want her to go to bed so I can get in a more few hours before I have to wake up at 5am.
I feel guilty because she stares at me with longing eyes when my husband brings her to work so I can feed her and I know all she wants is to just spend a little more time with me but all I’m worried about is how quickly I can feed her so I can get back to my desk and tackle the 50 tasks I have to complete before the day’s end.
I feel guilty because we barely eat home cooked meals any more. My family has been bringing us fast food and we eat whatever is easy because I am simply too burned out to prepare a meal, and I know it’s hurting our organic diets and we’re not getting the nutrients we need but I just cannot find the energy to cook dinner for two hours a night like I used to.
I feel guilty because I barely get to read nightly with my daughter like I used to and feel scared that she is not getting enough stimulation or learning throughout the day.
I feel guilty because my husband misses me and we haven’t had a single intimate moment together for months because we are just so damn busy and stressed out and tired. I feel guilty that I haven’t been a good wife, that all I seem to do is complain or yell or cry about how hard life has become.
I feel guilty that when I am not angry, I am depressed and it’s just not getting any better. I feel guilty because I am not a good friend lately. I barely say hello to people. I barely make conversation. I barely ask how anyone is doing because I am so self-absorbed in my own stress and chaos that I can get outside myself for a single second.
I feel guilty because I haven’t prayed in forever and every time I try to I get distracted. I feel guilty because I barely make time for God anymore.
I feel guilty because I feel like I am losing myself. My husband complains that I don’t dress up anymore, that I wear sweatpants every night, that I don’t look happy and cheerful like I used to. And I feel guilty because I know he’s pulling away and it feels like it’s my fault but I don’t know how to fix it right now or I just don’t have it in me.
I feel guilty because my sex drive is gone. My hair is falling out all over the place. I still look like I am a few months pregnant and I haven’t exercised for at least half a year.
I feel guilty because I thought I would be different and I’m not.
I feel guilty because this is all too difficult. It is not easy. And I feel like I am not a good mother nor a good wife.
I feel guilty because I’m driving everybody away.
I feel guilty because I know something is wrong and I haven’t put much effort into making it any better.
The weight of all this guilt is burying me.
And I know I am supposed to give myself grace.
I know I am supposed to think positive and pray.
I know I am supposed to trust God and trust that it will all work out.
But I am having such a hard time doing so.
I’ve been through tough times before. I am no stranger to falling apart and piecing myself back together, but this feels different.
I feel like I am losing on all sides.
My job. My child. My marriage. My finances. My self.
All at once.
It is much too hard.
And I’m not sure what to do except maybe keep running until I can find some peace.
I know that’s not the right answer though.
I know the right answer is to reach out for help and to pray.
I know the right answer is to forgive myself and give myself grace instead of piling on more guilt.
I know the right answer is to make the best of things even if they are hard because they won’t always be hard.
I know the right answer is to trust God even if I don’t know what exactly His plan is or why exactly He is allowing this or when exactly it will get better.
But let’s first start with grace….
Because that is exactly where God would say to begin.
Mama with Grace