It’s not enough time. It never is.
Four months. That is all the uninterrupted time I get with you.
Four months of getting to know the ins and outs of your days and trying to figure out some sort of manageable routine.
Four months of spending every single second with you, tending to your every need.
Four months of round the clock feeding, changing diapers, playing games, and rocking you to sleep.
Four months of spending the afternoons doing absolutely nothing but staring at your perfect little face smiling back at me.
Four months of happiness, tears, frustration, and complete and utter bliss.
It’s not enough time.
I don’t want to leave you at 5:30 in the morning while you’re still asleep. I don’t want the only time I see your face to be on a tiny phone screen at break time. I don’t want to miss the new discoveries you make, the way your eyes light up when you learn something new, or the new sounds you make with your voice.
I will miss our morning walks. I will miss our movie marathons and cuddle sessions.
I will miss the days of comforting you when you are sad or hurting.
Because now, I only get you for a few hours a day. And that is definitely not enough.
And I know they say quality over quantity but it’s not always true.
Spending hours with you is my favorite thing in the whole world and taking that away is nearly crushing me.
Six days. That is all I have left until I go back to work full time. The corporate gig. The job taken just to pay the bills.
To say that I am terrified is an understatement. I am worried about your future. I wanted to teach you so many things throughout the day. Take you to places where you will have fun and learn. I wanted to continue allowing you to meet with your friends at the park. I’ll barely have enough time to come home and make dinner, play with you for an hour before I have to put you to bed.
It’s not enough.
I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to miss anything in your life, especially so early on.
How is it fair? A child should be with their mother especially this young at all times. I read a study that said children should be near their mother at minimum for the first two years of life in order to develop properly psychologically, otherwise most children will start to have early-on attachment issues like feeling abandoned or insecure.
I know I have to do this for you though. I know I have to work for us. To provide. To give you all that you need.
But at what cost? The cost of barely seeing you. Missing out on so much.
It is not fair.
My heart is breaking because I have to leave you. And it’s a pain worse than the physical pain of bringing you into this world.
I’ve spoken with other mothers. I asked them how it felt to go back. One told me, “I’m not the first and I definitely won’t be the last.” I’m not sure how that was any sort of consolation.
Another said it gets easier, that you start to actually enjoy being away during the day because you feel productive again.
Another said they love their job so it felt great to be back.
And another said, their children love daycare and it feels great to get away.
Somehow I don’t relate to any of these mothers. And it saddens me to hear the so many of them found it almost too easy to go back.
Yes, it may end up ok and things will work out and everyone will get used to me going back to work. But no, I’m sorry it will never get easier leaving my child every morning. It will never be a choice I willingly want to make.
No, I don’t love my job and I could care less about my career or being productive.
And yes, I may not be the first or the last, but either way this is hard.
I never thought it would be like this. When I was pregnant, I thought it would be no big deal. Just go back to work and continue on with life, just with a child now. I thought it would be easy, as if everything would go right back to how it was.
But it’s not. I feel different. I am not the same as I once was. I don’t have the same beliefs as I once did. I am far from that person pre-motherhood.
What do I do? This is my dilemma.
Am I strange for being this way? Am I too attached? Do I love too much?
Yes, yes, yes.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am more motivated than ever to figure out a way to stay home but still somehow provide for my family.
I’m praying God will provide a way. I’m praying that He will hear this desire of my heart and help make it possible.
Maybe not now, but soon.
I just don’t understand when God allows more than we can handle in our lives, but I guess it just means I have to keep giving it over to Him completely. Praying that He will give me the strength to endure and to keep going and eventually to wisdom to find a better way.
Because I’m telling you, I am determined and where there is a will, there is a way.
Mama with Grace