I should be doing a million things right now, but I’m not. There’s dishes that need to be done. Clothes that need to be put away. I need a shower. A change of clothes. And brushing my teeth would probably be beneficial.
I managed to eat lunch today. Yay! Five points!
But what I’m doing instead is just sitting here holding my little girl while she sleeps. Yes, I am stuck on the couch for the next hour or two but right now, I don’t really care.
This is what I need right now. To be doing nothing of importance and everything of importance, just spending time in the middle of the afternoon, because in two weeks, this will be over.
In two weeks, I return back to work. And honestly, I am far from happy about it.
To be even more honest, because well, that’s what this post is pretty much about, I’ve been kind of sinking back in to depression.
And it’s been really, really hard to get out of it.
I was doing really well. I was excited because I had my new business opportunity to focus on and I was doing my best to get that going.
But then post after post of no feedback or interaction from anyone, and you tend to get a bit discouraged. You start to realize that you’re pretty much invisible to all your “friends” on Facebook and nobody really cares because they are so busy with their own lives to be interested in what you’re doing.
I know it takes time though, so you can save the pep talk. I’ll still give it a go but I think right now I just need to slow down for my own mental health.
I just can’t get in the business kind of mindset of being positive and promoting products when I, myself, am not feeling right.
Sometimes we need a reset to get back on track.
And sometimes that reset requires spilling out to someone or something even if it doesn’t sound so pretty or put together, just so we can find our balance once again.
That’s where I’m at.
Spilling it out onto here because I don’t have any close friends to talk to. And a blank page won’t judge you. People will, but that’s also another story.
I’m just having a very hard time accepting the fact that I have to go back to work. That I have to leave my daughter. That I won’t get to spend the afternoons with her anymore. That I’m going to miss most of her milestones. That we can’t go for our morning walks anymore. Or sleep in and cuddle.
And I won’t be able to wake up with her and see her good morning smiles because I’m going to leave to go to work while it’s still dark and she’s still sleeping.
And I won’t be the one to comfort her when she is hungry or tired. I won’t be able to bond with her during the day when we breastfeed.
No more mid-day adventures or mommy group at the park. I won’t get to spend time reading to her or teaching her things.
I’m so afraid she’s going to get used to me not being there that she won’t even be connected to me anymore like she is now.
And the three hours that we will actually have together once I get home from work is not enough, because it will mostly be spent trying to cook dinner, feed her, bathe her and putting her to bed, all the while preparing for the next day.
Not enough time.
But this is only part of my sadness.
There’s so much more.
Like the fact that I haven’t been able to properly connect with my husband in months. One, because there’s not enough time between taking care of the baby and him working at all hours of the day to support us due to the fact that since my maternity leave, we are living off one income.
And two, because since giving birth or rather, since becoming pregnant, I just don’t feel like myself. My body is so different. And while it’s not “bad”, it’s just something I’m not quite used to. Even though I fit into most of my clothes, I don’t feel beautiful enough to wear most of them. So I just stick to the same outfits – leggings, camisole. Easy access for feeding. Forget about feeling pretty anymore. I just don’t have it in me to put forth the effort.
I tried dying my hair just to give myself a different look, and it came out fine the first day because I actually had it done but ever since it’s just been up in a bun.
And today my husband finally said something. He’s been quiet for months but I guess he’s getting tired of what I’ve looked like. He told me to “get out of those clothes and wear something else now! Get cleaned up and stop being so sad!”
How do you just stop?
How do you just feel ok?
I feel like a disappointment. Like I am just letting him down.
Like I am letting myself down and my daughter too.
I just don’t know why I can’t get out of this funk. Why I’m ok for a few weeks and then crash.
And I don’t know why I can’t think of anything kind or encouraging to myself like I normally would to get through. I feel like all of it is a lie.
You’re not a good mother. You’re not a good wife. You’re ugly. You’ll never look good again. You’ve lost yourself. You’re stuck at that job forever. Your daughter is going to grow up without her mother around much.
These thoughts replay in my head over and over again. And I don’t know how to shut them up. And I don’t even know how to turn to God at a time like this when I really should.
This is not the kind of post I wanted to post today but honestly, life is not perfect and happy all the time like everybody wants you to be. Bloggers aren’t always happy and picture perfect.
Be positive, sound uplifting and enthusiastic.
No, that’s bullsh*t.
What if right now I just want to be real and raw and sad. Isn’t that ok? To feel my feelings instead of hide them and pretend? What if I just want to cry and let it out?
I’m sure the few that do read this will now think I’m insane but so what.
I’m sure this post will be bad for business but oh well, wouldn’t you rather buy something from someone who is real and not fake happy?
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just feel all over the place today and wish I could hide but I can’t because my daughter needs me.
And somehow I have to get out of this guilt/sadness cycle.
The reality is I have to go back to work. The end. I have no other choice. The end.
The reality is most of today is going to be spent crying and slowly pulling myself together but that’s ok.
Mama with Grace