I’ve been wanting to write about so many things, but I feel like day after day time just slips away from me. It’s crazy how fast time goes by when you are taking care of your little, especially in these early months because they feel so repetitive. You know the whole eat, poop, play, sleep thing?
But we are slowly taking strides and going out more often. We went out this past week to the mall with one of the mom’s from my crunchy moms group.
It was fun.
Ok. It was….awkward. But not in a bad way, meaning I did have a lot of fun. But I felt awkward. Just because I completely suck at socializing.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t had friends in a very long time, since my one best friend of a million years decided one day that she needed an indefinite break from me. So ever since then, it’s been one lonely road and pretty tough to make any new friends. I kind of just shut down and haven’t really opened myself up to anyone new simply because at my age it’s kind of tough to start over and really trust someone else again after that kind of heartbreak.
But now that I am a mother, I can see how it is important to make friendships and find a tribe. It’s important for my own mental health to relate to other women and mamas going through similar experiences with their children, but it’s also important for my daughter to learn how to socialize and make friends with other little humans. So I need to make an effort. And I have been. It’s not that I don’t want friends. I want them badly! It’s just I’m not very good at it.
I don’t know how to carry on a conversation very well because the entire time we are talking I am thinking about how to respond so I don’t sound stupid, but I end up sounding stupid anyway. Or at least I think so.
I’m very self conscious. Did you know that?
Well now you do.
Anyway, just a little side story. It was awkward. We talked but we only lasted about an hour before things just got silent and there’s only so many times you can walk the mall from top to bottom. I felt really bad because it was kind of my fault. Oh well, maybe I’ll try again soon.
But besides that, we have been having our own adventures. More trips to target. The grocery store. CVS. Buy Buy Baby. Oh that place is amazing by the way! Did you know they have a nursing room with a diaper changing station that is actually very clean and not like the weird ones they have in bathrooms? They also have deluxe rocking chairs that are so comfortable and a noise machine to put your baby to sleep! I just wanted to sit in that room all day! It was so quiet and perfect.
We’re getting pretty skilled in taking the stroller in and out of the car quickly and getting our errands done. I don’t feel so homeward bound anymore, not that I mind it anyway. I like being home too. But being outside is nice, especially when the sun is out. I think she likes it too as she loves seeing people and places.
But then the day finally came when I had to leave her on her own with dad, while I went to run an errand where I could not bring her.
I pretty much had anxiety a few days before I had to do it. I even wrote out an entire list for my husband just in case he needed to refer to it during the three hours that I was gone.
I left the house around 8am. I left her sleeping in the bed with my husband and quietly whispered for him to just let her sleep and when she awoke, change her diaper and then try to feed her with the bottle.
Mind you, this was also her first time trying out the bottle as I exclusively breastfeed her.
I don’t want to give her the bottle because it makes me feel terrible and breaks my heart to give her something fake when I am perfectly capable of breastfeeding her myself, but unfortunately since I have to go back to work, I have to get her used to taking it. Sigh.
So we figured this would be a good first time opportunity.
I explained to my husband the night before how to warm up the milk that I defrosted in the fridge. I even wrote it out on the instructions I had left, but nonetheless, my husband called and texted me about twenty times asking what to do.
Of course I am already at the office of where I needed to be and am sitting in the waiting room as he is doing this and I am freaking out inside. Then he FaceTimes me and the guy sitting next to me is awkwardly looking over and listening into our conversation as I am trying to explain again how to warm the bottle. It was completely embarrassing. My poor husband isn’t the best at following directions but I love him anyway.
Finally, after multiple explanations and even texted google images of what to do, he figured it out. He then FaceTimed me again showing me how she was eating it.
I was relieved because she was drinking but then she suddenly stopped. Part of me thinks it’s because she saw me on the phone and got distracted, as lately she has been very distracted while nursing. I told my husband to try to make her drink more because she only had an ounce of milk, which is nothing.
He kept trying but she refused over and over again.
I started to panic as I wouldn’t be home for another few hours. I told him to try again and she just simply wouldn’t take it so I said ok, I’ll feed her when I get home.
The whole time I was gone, all I could think about was her and how I wasn’t there to take care of her. After my appointment, I rushed back and she was starving.
She ate and ate and ate .
I mean she hadn’t eaten since 630a and it was now almost 11a!
I felt so incredibly bad. But there was nothing I could do.
And the worse part was I had to leave her again later that night as I was getting my hair done by my sister. My mother was going to watch her and try to feed her again with the rest of the milk I defrosted.
Of course, it didn’t go well again. She ate an ounce with her and then refused.
My mom has to bring her by so I could feed her. So I sat with my hair processing and fed my baby.
Because that is all you can do.
When your little needs you and only you, you do whatever you can to give them what they need. You put your own needs aside and everything else you had to do and you give them what they need.
Because they are so little and depend on you. And that is totally ok.
That’s what I want to do. I want to give her everything I can.
I don’t like seeing her in need or struggling. I don’t ever want her to feel like I’m abandoning her or neglecting her.
It was so hard leaving her for even that little bit. I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be for a full day while at work, day after day.
I am dreading it. I am worrying about. And I am starting to develop anxiety over it now. I haven’t been able to relax. My body has been so tense. I just want to be with her always.
But I feel so helpless because I don’t know what to do besides praying that God will provide an opportunity to where I can stay home with her and continue to give her all the care and love she needs.
Mama with Grace
p.s. Like the photo that my husband sent me while I was gone????