Going public…

I decided to share my blog outside of WordPress and make a companion Instagram for it. Why? Because I figure, maybe it’s time to have more “mommy” blogs/instagram sites that are raw and authentic, rather than all about what perfect lives they have, as most of the mommy blogs I see are about that kind of stuff.

You don’t really see blogs about how hard motherhood is or about postpartum anxiety or depression or about the scary thoughts you get as a first time parent because you feel so overwhelmed and like you don’t know what you are doing.

You don’t see the behind the scenes of these photos and what day to day life is with a child. How they are not so “well behaved and happy” all the time or how that cute outfit that they wore for that 6 month photoshoot got ruined by an explosion of poop.

You don’t hear about how marriage gets hard after a child or that the mom usually feels isolated, self conscious, not good enough, or all three because she doesn’t know who she is anymore.

I started writing in this blog at first with the intention that no one was going to read it except maybe a few stragglers on WordPress that would come across it by accident. I wrote it for myself because towards the end of my pregnancy, I was feeling extremely stressed and overwhelmed and I needed to vent out in some form. Writing has always been that outlet for me, because I am able to just write whatever I am thinking and not really care how it sounds or if it will be well liked.

But now, I realize after doing my exploring of other blogs or instagram sites geared towards motherhood and parenting, that many of them really make me feel bad about myself. And why is that? Probably because upon looking at them I see that their daughters are all dressed in cute baby designer clothing and that every part of their lives look like a photoshoot waiting to happen. I start to feel bad because their child appears to be far more advanced than mine and I start to think guilty thoughts like maybe I am not doing enough. Maybe we don’t practice enough tummy time or interact with as many toys that would stimulate her brain.

I don’t want to be another one of those blogs. I want to be more real, open, authentic.

I’ll be the one telling you the stories of how today at 2pm I started getting thoughts about how maybe having a child was a mistake, not because I don’t love my daughter, but because I feel like I am just not good enough to be her mother. I feel too selfish. Like I still care too much about my own needs and get annoyed if I have to put too much energy out constantly without any breaks.

But then, of course, I immediately felt guilty and said what a foolish thought. Why would I think having a child was a mistake? I couldn’t imagine my life without my little girl. And I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking that.

But I feel like motherhood, especially the first time around, really tests you out. It honestly pushes you to your limits, and maybe even beyond. It forces you out of your comfort zone day after day. And the hardest part is, you literally don’t have a choice. You just have to keep going because this little tiny person you created relies on you. There are no breaks, no time outs, no “just hold on, I’m not ready.”

It’s ready or not, here we go.

So, basically what I’m trying to say is… if you’re looking for a blog/Instagram that is filled with happy, positive, perfect images. This is not it.

I’m not saying there won’t be happy things on there. There will be plenty of happy things because motherhood is not all bad, it is actually really rewarding at times. And I will definitely write about those moments.

BUT….disclaimerwarning…whatever you want to call it…there will be a lot of real, raw things said as well. And it’s not to further depress anyone or make anyone feel guilty, but honestly to show that it’s ok to feel like you don’t have it all together. And it’s ok to feel like you’re not good at this. And it’s ok to have scary thoughts sometimes.

I’m not advocating to stay there because if you really have some serious or dangerous thought processes going on then by all means please get help because I don’t want anyone to put themselves or their child in danger. So if there the case, please, please get help.

But if you’re like me… someone just struggling because this is all very new and very challenging, then know you’re not alone.

And I’m sure there are millions of other moms in the same boat but maybe they won’t admit it, or maybe they will. Either way, you’re not alone.

It’s normal. You’re normal. You’re doing a great job and it’s further proof that you are doing a good job because you have these thoughts. Because if you didn’t worry so much or feel so much guilt about thinking you are a bad mom, then I would say she probably doesn’t actually care deep down.

But I know you do. I know I do.

I know I am a good mom because I care so much about my little girl and love her like crazy. I don’t let her go hungry. I take care of her every need. I don’t let her scream and feel alone or abandoned. I’m there for her.

But maybe the reason why it feels like this is because it’s not what I’m used to. This is all foreign to me. Before I had her, I never been held a baby for longer than a few minutes. I never changed a diaper in my life. I surely did not know how to clothe a baby or breastfeed or rock one to sleep.

It’s going to take time to adjust and during this adjustment period there will be much doubt and fear and frustration, but there will also be a ton of rewarding moments as well.

Remember… you did this. You created a new life. You grew that life in your body for 9 months. You birthed that new life and it was hard, however it was done! And now you are responsible for this little life forever!

That is major.

But tell me it isn’t worth it? Tell me that between the moments of no sleep and crying, that there are also moments of pure joy.

That first smile. That first laugh. That moment you lock eyes in the middle of the night. It’s pure love.

Let’s all give ourselves a bit of grace. I know lately I haven’t been. I just keep feeling down but haven’t had the energy to give myself a break and realize I am doing more than enough.

That’s where grace comes from.

As God gives us His grace, so should we give it to ourselves when we fall short.

I don’t know where this blog will go. I don’t know who will or is reading it. But if it’s the only thing I do, I’d like to spread that message.

You’re doing a great job, mama.


Mama with Grace

P.S my Instagram is @Mama_with_Grace so give me a follow.

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