How are you?

Today I went to my mother’s house to visit and honestly just have my parents hold my little girl for a bit so I can breathe for a second.

I don’t say that in a bad way. I love my little girl. I’ll say it a million times, but as a new mother, this whole parenting thing can sometimes be seriously overwhelming. I always hate admitting that as everyone thinks you should love every second of it and if you complain then it’s a sign that you’re not a very caring mother. But it’s really not. But everybody makes you feel that way anyway.

And I think that is exactly why mothers like me say we are “fine” when asked how we are instead of the truth, because it’s easier to say we are fine with a smile on our face instead of reveal how we really feel, which is tired, overwhelmed, and everything in between. Because as soon as we reveal that bit of truth, then we open ourselves up to a whole load of judgement.

Well, aren’t you just loving every second with your new baby?

Don’t you love holding her all the time???

Oh you must feel so happy to be a mother!

And what do us new mothers feel when people say these types of things to us?

guilt.

Because deep down we don’t want to admit that actually we are really tired. We are super overwhelmed because we constantly feel like we don’t know what we are doing. We feel like failures half the time because we are always judging ourselves according to how other mothers are doing it and we don’t even come close. And on top of that, we are still healing from the trauma of giving birth, adjusting to our new bodies/emotions, and trying to figure out who we are once taking on this new role of mother.

But you can’t just say that out loud when someone inevitably asks, “how are you?” So instead, we say…

I’m fine! ::grins::

And of course, today when I did go to my parents’ house I was asked how I was by a few different people, as they had our family friends over. And of course I said I was fine as I bounced my child up and down.

But what I desperately want to tell everyone is… I’m really not.

I mean I am to some extent. I can manage my day. I can take care of my daughter. I’m getting enough food into my own body, even though it takes some time.

But inside, I don’t feel 100% fine.

I still feel overwhelmed at times. I desperately want a break at times. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like this foreign person and I still haven’t gotten used to her and I feel immense guilt because I haven’t gotten used to motherhood yet. And it’s been 10 weeks!!!! So why haven’t I?

And some days, I feel completely isolated and alone. My husband goes out to work and I stay inside all day with my little. I love her so much, and I love taking care of her and watching her expand her world and learn about who she is, but it can be super exhausting at the same time.

Some days I really just want to be by myself or with another adult. Have adult conversations. I want someone to take care of me for once instead of me having to take care of someone else all the time.

I want to get out of the house and do things again! I know I can with her but it’s different. When you’re with a newborn and have to run errands, you literally just want to go in and out. But when you’re alone, you can take your time and explore, relax.

I’m sure it will get easier. Once she can hold her self up and sit on her own. Then it might be fun taking her out and letting her play.

But right now, it’s hard. It’s hard taking care of something so dependent on you. It’s hard having the weight of that responsibility. It’s a HUGE responsibility to have. And for someone like me, who constantly feels like they are not good enough as it is, and to have this responsibility on top of that. It’s just a lot to carry.

Maybe eventually I will start to feel like I’m getting better at this. But right now I feel like I’m just getting by.

And it didn’t help that this morning my husband and I got into an argument about how I should be doing more things like taking her out for walks or to run errands. Because it literally made me feel even more incompetent and a failure as a mother.

My next door neighbor has an 8 month old and she straps him to herself and walks her two dogs around the neighborhood every day, twice a day. I can barely get out of the house to take my dog to pee on the grass right outside my door.

Sigh.

Back to my point. This comic. This is the truth. And I’m sure other mothers would agree but maybe, like me, are too afraid to admit it out loud.

And this person who wrote this book that this comic is from is amazing for writing it. I can’t wait to read it.

If anyone is interested, the link is here!

The book doesn’t come out until March but you can check out some of the comics here.

Anyway… how are you today? I’m not fine. But I’ll be ok!

I hope you will too.

xx

Mama with grace

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