Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the floor, feeling defeated. It’s 2pm and I still haven’t eaten lunch. I did manage to get dressed today so that’s a win. But I still feel defeated. I still feel like I’m just not good enough for this motherhood gig. I know we are almost 10 weeks in so it is still kind of early, but don’t you think by now I would be getting the hang of things. I mean I am, but I’m not at the same time.
I take a deep breath, contemplate how I’m going to keep going today. It’s a hard day. Not for her but for me. But then I look over at my dear baby girl in her bouncer and I see her just staring at me. Just looking at me in awe. Eyes wide open. And then she cracks a huge smile, almost as if today, “Hi Mama!!!” And I can tell in that moment she is just sending me so much love. She is looking at me like I am the best thing in the world.
And while it melts my heart, I feel like I am just constantly failing her.
Is this the depression talking? Probably.
Some days I feel perfectly fine. I keep going through the routines, doing what I have to do. I am mostly happy. And I feel happy with her. But then some days I crash. Like today.
And it’s for no reason other than I feel depleted again. It’s hard to constantly give and give and give to one little person and not have anyone fill you back up in return. It’s hard to constantly go without eating or not being able to shower or go to the bathroom when you want to.
I sound like i’m complaining again.
I’m feeding her now. 3pm. Still no lunch. And I’m staring in her eyes telling her I’m sorry for failing her so often.
I shouldn’t even be on my phone.
I should be enjoying this more.
I should be wanting to do more while I am off from work.
Why is this so hard? Why am I not good at this?
Why can’t I figure out how to eat lunch at a decent time and take care of a baby?
And then here comes my dog. The forgotten fur child. No, he’s not forgotten. I try my best to give him love when I can, but I know he’s missing me. He comes and cuddles next to us while we feed. I feel bad for him too. I fail him all the time.
Why am I such a failure?
Oh this depression is bad today. I’m sorry. I’m sure it will get better. I think I am just sleep deprived, nutrition deprived, and self care deprived. Can I hire someone to take care of me for a day?
Give yourself grace….. this has to be my mantra this year because there is no other way.
xx mama with grace