Today I totally failed my little. Or at least it feels that way. And it’s hard to give myself grace but here we go…
It started with a bad night of sleep. I knew today would be an off day simply because yesterday she slept all day long and I had a feeling it would mean she wouldn’t sleep well at night.
It wasn’t a terrible night of sleep but we were up at 1am for a feed and then she didn’t want to go back to sleep. I had actually just went to bed at 12a because, you know, hubby and I have to get in some time alone too and after she goes down at 10pm is the only time we get alone together. So from 10-12, we were hanging out and finally we figured we should go to sleep as she normally wakes up around 230a for her next feed…but not last night.
So it was a long night. Feeding… trying to get her to sleep…her wriggling around half asleep and half awake, which kept me fully awake. Finally we fell asleep around 6am. We slept until 1030a.
I am really trying not to sleep in so long as it feels like a waste of day but this mama really needs it sometimes.
So we get up, I eat breakfast. She was her happy little self for a while. Eating her hands. Playing with her bug toy. Watching baby Einstein. Thank God, leap two is pretty much over. No more crazy fussiness for awhile… at least I have my fingers crossed.
I was watching this video about two month old progression and what they “should” be doing at this age. Lifting their heads during tummy time, holding their weight if held up, keeping their head up if sitting. I then watched a video of a day in the life with a two month old. This mom was recording her day and I saw that her two month old was doing tummy time and completely lifting her head up. I was like wow, mine completely hates tummy time, even though she can lift her head for a few seconds, it was nothing like that mom’s two month old.
I started to feel like I was failing as a mother. I barely practiced tummy time with her simply because she hated doing it and I couldn’t find a moment in the day when she wasn’t either nappy or having just ate or me needing to take care of my own needs so not having enough time to actually accomplish tummy time that day.
I started to feel like my child was behind in development because she wasn’t lifting her head that much. And so I vowed that we would do more tummy time. It’s almost 4pm now and I still haven’t had a second to do it.
Then this mother showed how her day played out. Her two month old after being swaddled seemed to fall right asleep in the crib for 4-5 naps a day. She made it look so easy. Like you just swaddle them up and stick them in the crib and bam, out like a light.
Did she not experience leaps before? Where your baby doesn’t want to be out of your arms for a second? Where they cry for no reason? Where they don’t want to go sleep alllll day long???
Again, I felt bad about myself. Why couldn’t I get a routine down? Why didn’t my baby fall asleep easily? Maybe I should swaddle more? But she hates when her hands are stuck inside.
At this time, I looked over to my little in her bouncer chair, and I noticed her eyelids getting droopy so I figured it was time for a nap. I swaddled her. She seemed to be ok with it as she was full of smiles. Then I rocked and bounced her to sleep. I was actually able to place her in her bassinet and she fell asleep!
What would I do next? Oh my goodness! I was free!
I decided to take a shower. It was about 1pm and I hadn’t eaten lunch but I figured a quick shower wouldn’t hurt, I may not get a chance later. And then I could eat after.
I guess I was wrong. And my child isn’t so perfect (but that’s ok!!!). While I was in the shower, I thought I kept hearing cries but then I thought maybe I am becoming one of those moms who hear the phantom cries always. She couldn’t possibly be awake already?
But I was right. She was awake. Those were real cries. And now I had to feed, change, and hope she would sit in her bouncer long enough for me to make lunch.
I started trying to make lunch at 2:30pm. I say trying because that’s really what it is. Any time you try to do something with a little, always expect that it will take 2-3x the normal amount of time to do it. Expect that you will start and stop about 59 times in between.
My husband says just stick her in the bouncer and do what you need to do.
Oh honey. It’s not that easy. And you will learn once you take care of her on your own one day.
But I guess I was hungry and tired and decided, maybe letting her squirm a little while I try to make some lunch won’t be so bad if I can just do it quick enough.
Now I really hate when babies cry. I always feel terrible like they are in pain or something. So I am definitely one of those types that pick them up right away.
So I’m cooking away… deciding to just make Linner (lunch+dinner) because it’s already 330pm. I’m making sofritas and fried potatoes. I got my tofu going and my potatoes. And I place little one in the kitchen with me in her bouncer. She seemed ok for a bit. Staring off into space, I figured maybe she was getting tired again. So I kept going.
Then suddenly, I hear little whimpers. Again. Again. I think ok she is starting to try to get my attention. I say hold on baby girl. I am almost done. Mommy needs to eat too.
Truly I am almost done. So I keep swirling away trying to go as fast as I can to get it all finished.
Then the whimpers turn into little cries. Then we go from soft cries to full on crying. I say ok ok. I’ll pick you up and stir at the same time.
As soon as I picked her up…. I felt a giant yellow wet spot on her bottom. I thought, did you pee in your pants? Wait no, you can’t! You have a diaper on… oh wait that is poop!!! Oh my god. You just had a blow out. Oh my god.
Mind you, she hadn’t pooped all day and normally she has already pooped twice but today there was no poop. So this was the first poop of the day and it was incredible.
Please note, once you become a mother, you begin to talk a lot of about poop.
So I rush to the changing table. And start saying sorry, I. Am. So. Sorry. Over and over and over again. She is beyond screaming at this point. I am moving as quick as possible but there is literally poop everywhere.
On her legs. On her belly. It is oozing out of the diaper. And the stupid wipes won’t pull apart so I am grabbing three at a time and just wiping off whatever I can. Her bottom is so red and she is screaming her head off like she is in pain.
I am wiping and wiping and it feels like I am getting nowhere. Then I realize I have to take off her onesie. I try to pull it down instead of over her head. And she screams even harder like I hurt her.
At this point I feel incredibly bad. Major parenting fail. Major, major!!
How did I not realize my daughter was sitting in her own poop?!?! How did I ignore her cries???
I finally get it off and she is sitting naked. I clean her all up but she is still screaming. I realize maybe her butt is still burning since it is so red. I get out the diaper cream and slather it on. I blow on it. I kiss her cheeks. I tell her I’m sorry a million more times. I am trying my best to calm her. I feel like she hates me. Like I hurt her on purpose. Like I abandoned her or neglected her.
I have so much guilt.
I picked her up and I held her close. I told her again how sorry I was and that I loved her so much. I swayed her and held her tightly against my chest. Eventually her cries turned back to whimpers and then stopped.
It is now 4:30pm. I am still holding her as she feeds.
My food is still in the kitchen half cooked. I have not yet eaten lunch and it’s about to be time for dinner.
These are the days of real motherhood.
It is hard. It is so very hard. But I love her. And I may have failed her today but I have to give myself grace because this is not easy. I did my best. I am doing my best. Trying to take care of her and myself is the hardest task in the world right now.
But we are managing.
And it will be ok.
Mama with grace