I don’t think I have postpartum depression, as my out of the blue depressive episodes have pretty much disappeared only to be replaced by on purpose depressive episodes. That is how I know it is not postpartum depression but rather conditional depression that I probably have, because my life is honestly stressful right now.
I know there are a ton of worse situations, and I am not saying I am not grateful for all that I am blessed with. I love my life. I love that I am blessed with a beautiful daughter and that I am married to a man whom I love very, very dearly. I’m just being honest, that life just becomes hard sometimes, despite all the good things we are blessed with. And I think it’s ok to be honest about that. To admit that things can be challenging, otherwise, if I just sat here and pretended that my life was picture perfect or rather should I say, “social media perfect”, then that would be wrong. That would be deceiving and unfair to myself and anyone that reads this.
I want to be honest and real on my blog. I want to show that life can be difficult and motherhood and marriage can be challenging, but we can navigate it by giving ourselves grace, just as God does with us daily.
So I guess I go back to my title…
I believe God gave us children to remind us of that grace. One, because children are so beautiful and innocent and helpless. They rely on us to take care of them because they do not know any better and they are not capable of caring for themselves. All they do is simply love us and wish for our love and care in return. They give us grace daily.
Two, children remind us that its difficult to be perfect at everything. The perfect mother does not exist, just as the perfect child does not either. There are going to be moments when we fall short, when we fail, when they fall short, and when they fail. But again, we must give ourselves grace and give them grace as well.
Three, God gave us children because in the moments when we are feeling low, we can be reminded that they are there for us. My daughter will look into my eyes sometimes and I know she is just saying, “I love you mama.” And sometimes that is all I need to be reminded that everything is worth it. That going on is worth it.
I’m feeling low.
I cleaned out my closet yesterday and it together a giant bag of clothes to donate. Mostly they are a bunch of size large clothes that I wore when I was pregnant that are just too big now that I have lost most of the pregnancy weight, but there are other things in there too.
As I was sorting through which to donate and keep, I kept noticing all of my old clothes , the pre-pregnancy size 0 and XS, I started to feel sad. I only gained 31lbs total during my pregnancy (I was 102lbs pre-pregnancy), and I’ve lost a little more than half of it already. I’m currently 113lbs, which is still heavier than I’ve ever been (not pregnant). I’m not complaining about my body, but I did feel a bit sad that I probably won’t be able to fit in most of my clothes anymore at least most of my bottoms.
Also, most of the clothes I did donate were clothes that were now deemed inappropriate for a mother. I can’t wear crop tops or super low cut shirts anymore. There’s no point anyway. I’ve got my husband. I don’t need to impress anyone anymore. And who wants to see a jiggly post-pregnancy body anyway?
I don’t really know what I’m sad about because I don’t really want to wear those things anymore anyway, but I guess I just feel kind of old now that I’m a mom.
I barely do my hair, let alone even blow dry out of the shower. I never wear make up anymore. I don’t even pluck my eyebrows. Shaving is literally an afterthought. I used to freak out if I didn’t have smooth legs, now I just don’t care. I used to care about what I wore, now the norm is leggings and a T-shirt.
I told myself I would never be one of those women that let themselves go after a baby, and here I am… letting myself go.
But what do we do… we keep going.
Maybe it’ll pass. Maybe it’s because I have a 6 week old infant and its because I don’t have time to worry about what I look like right now.
Why else am I sad?
I’m sad because my marriage feels like it’s cracking. And I say cracking because it’s the beginning stages of breaking. Maybe we can save it before it’s at that point but right now I’m just so sad because it seems like all he does is be in his own world… watching basketball, football, whatever sport is on. Just something to keep busy and not pay attention to us.
He used to help in the beginning, changing diapers, rocking her. I thought I was lucky. I had the husband who wanted to be an active father, but not sure what happened. After she started becoming cranky two weeks ago, he backed off. Didn’t want to deal with a crying baby, only a good baby.
Now, it’s pretty much on me. Oh honey can you help me watch her for two minutes while I use the bathroom? Come back and she’s in her bouncer and he’s glued to the PlayStation about to cry.
Oh honey can you hold her while I rest a bit? He takes her for five minutes… I think she’s hungry now. I say, she can’t be hungry, she just finished eating. Well here. Take her. She’s whining.
I feel like I don’t get a break anymore. No one helps. My family comes over just to say hi to her but not to offer me any help or rest.
Everybody forgets about the mother’s don’t they? Once the baby is born, nobody cares how the mother is. She can do it all. She doesn’t need rest or food or a bathroom break.
I love my daughter so much and that is probably the only reason why I can keep going. Her smiles keep me going. Her grace she gives me keeps me going. This is why God gave us children.
Mama with grace