Is it true that things get worse before they get better? Or should I be worried that I am getting worse and I’m not going to get better unless I take some real action?
I feel so irritable. All the time. I feel stressed. Worried. Angry.
I’m tired. Severely tired. She’s going through some phase still where she still won’t sleep properly. Awake for hours and hours and asleep only for a few each day.
I’m doing my best to just keep going but I am feeling so defeated. I feel like I am not good at this mom thing. Like it’s all wrong. Like I’m all wrong. How do other mother’s do it so perfectly? How do they get out of bed at a decent time and not feel so tired? How do they prepare meals and actually eat themselves? How do they go to the bathroom or shower without asking for someone to help watch her? How do they do it all with their babies? And gasp — how do they actually have multiple kids and take care of a newborn????
I suck at this. I feel like I can barely manage anything. I barely eat. Sleep. I have to wait hours just to pee. I used to dislike showers, finding them something I just wanted to get over with, but now it’s my only time or peace.
Sometimes I just stand there, doing absolutely nothing as the water falls on me. I don’t care if the minutes are passing by or if I’m wasting water. I just need that period of aloneness.
I feel so guilty. Why do I need aloneness? Shouldn’t I want to be spending every waking second with my daughter? I do… I love her immensely, but I need a break. I need to feel like my self again.
I need a minute to feel normal. But I don’t know if that will ever come again. And I feel selfish for wanting it.
Luckily I’m not irritable with her. She’s too innocent to be angry at and nothing is her fault. She’s helpless, hungry, tired, needs a change. She relies on me. But I feel like I am not doing a very good job.
I feed her. I love her. I change her. I keep her clean. I put her to bed and I do it all for her. But I feel like I am still not doing enough, or maybe I am just not enough.
And I feel guilty for being irritable with my husband. I’m jealous because he gets to sleep soundly through the night while we are awake. I’m angry because he can get up and do whatever he needs to at any second, while I am strapped to a chair feeding her at my breast. I am annoyed because he can leave the house, go wherever he’d like, but I haven’t gotten the hang of just functioning at home let alone being able to travel alone with her or drive to places.
But he also has reason to make me upset, which I won’t go into, because I am not going to sit here and complain, because he is also a very good husband, but of course we all have our faults.
Regardless, I don’t know how to keep going. They say I’m doing so well. But inside, I feel like I am ready to crumble. It’s just exhaustion, which is making me feel depressed and unmotivated. I know that’s what it is because as soon as I get some sleep, or a break, or some food, then I am fine. I feel rejuvenated. But when I am running on empty, that’s when things get hard, when I feel like I’m getting worse.
But I just keep reminding myself it’s all worth it. Because my baby girl relies on me. And I love her with all that I have. And want the best for her.
Im hoping we will figure out a better routine soon. I’m hoping I’ll figure out how to balance this whole motherhood thing soon. I’m hoping that I’ll stop treating my husband like crap because I hate when we are disconnected like this.
I don’t want to be this person. I don’t like who this person is. She is so grumpy and unlikable.
Maybe tomorrow I will get out of bed at a decent hour regardless of how tired I am. Maybe I will put an effort in doing more around the house. Maybe I will try my hardest to be kind to my husband (and to myself?).
Or maybe not? I don’t know.
My midwife says in the first 6 weeks you shouldn’t have any expectations of yourself. And don’t worry about meeting expectations of anyone else. Literally focus on the baby, yourself, your well-being, your family’s wellbeing and that’s it. Who cares if the laundry isn’t done or if you’re not making crazy home cooked meals every day. Who cares if you are still in your pajamas.
It’s 5 weeks so far. So I got another week before really having to try.
Ah boy. Sorry for such depressing posts. Need to get it out somewhere, especially when friends are not an option, writing will have to suffice.
Mama with grace