One month old…

I haven’t written for a bit as things have been incredibly busy, but boy, does time seem to fly by. Little girl is already a month old… 4 weeks and 3 days to be exact. Pretty crazy. And she is growing so fast.

At first, she barely was fitting into her newborn clothes and now she’s almost growing out of them! She’s gained a ton of weight, well not a ton, but a very healthy amount for her age so that means she’s eating well and I’m producing enough milk to breastfeed her properly. I’m so grateful for that as I really want to breastfeed her for as long as a I can, preferably a year, maybe more.

She’s lifting her head up super well now, to the point where I can hold her on my hip and she will keep her head fully up. She does her tummy time daily and loves to play on her activity mat, looking at the hanging toys and reacting to the crinkles and rattles from each one. She turns her head towards whoever is speaking to her and will look you straight in the eye. If she really likes what you’re saying, she will give you a big ol’ smile, with a complimentary dimple as well. I love her little sounds she makes, coos and “ahs.” She even grunts a bunch, which is pretty funny because it’s usually when she’s preparing a nice load of poop for mommy. She whimpers when she wants attention. Makes little cries if she’s hungry or needs a diaper change. She’ll react to what we talk to her about. And she’s even found her hands, which she has started to suckle on.

She’s so amazing and I love watching her grow. It’s incredible how fast she is progressing.

We took her on a road trip the last few days as my mother in law was visiting from out of state and we wanted to show her around so we took a trip for a few days. I knew it was going to be hard with a newborn but we figured we could all use fresh air after being at home for the last few weeks.

My little one was surprisingly incredibly good. She barely made a sound during the drive there and back. We stopped to feed and change every few hours so that worked out well but was a bit hard especially in a fight back seat.

When we were there, she loved it. We took the pram and walked through the town. I ended up buying a Moby baby carrier while I was there and tried that out, which she loved as well. She actually fell asleep in it.

She got to stay in her first hotel, which she didn’t mind too much, in fact, she might have loved the giant pillows on the bed as we placed her on top of them and she just sat there propped up on it in completely peace.

We took her to the ocean and she liked listening to the calming sounds of the waves. It was a bit chilly but she was bundled in her blanket and beanie. We visited the town center and saw the Christmas tree. She went to a few stores and we even did a few short nature hikes. Overall, it was pretty successful.

We are back home now, after 10 hours in the car, and so glad for it as this mama is beat.

I can tell little one is too as she’s been very restless, which I know is a sign of over tiredness. She didn’t sleep very well last night, in fact she barely slept at all today. She has been extremely clingy, awake and fussy, which are all not normal for her.

I can tell that she’s tired from trip but I also learned that this behavior is a sign of her first “leap!”

I’ve been reading a book called the wonder weeks and it explained that at 4.5-5 weeks of age, baby will go through their first “leap” which is basically a mental growth spurt. During this time, they will be extra clingy, fussy, and restless. She will also want to eat constantly and not want to sleep. All of which she has been doing in the last 24 hours. She has been up since 8am this morning and it’s been constant feeding, changing diapers, whining and not wanting to be put down for a nap. I’ve been holding her most of the day but it’s rough when it really limits you.

I barely was able to get in a shower or make dinner, if it weren’t for my husband holding her for a bit. Finally around 9pm, after wrestling with her fatigue, she succumbed and has fallen asleep on my chest. I’m not even going to try to move her yet or even at all. I’ll just sit here and let her sleep for a few hours as I know she really needs it and if this is the only way she will then I will make that sacrifice.

The book says that this period of fussiness will last for a few days as her brain is growing exponentially during this time. Once it’s over, she will go through a period of cheerfulness again until her next “leap” at 7-8 weeks.

I was a bit worried at first as I did not know what this could be. I thought she was sick, maybe she contracted something from the trip, but I kept checking her for a fever and she was fine. She was pooping and peeing normally so it couldn’t have been anything too crazy. Only thing was she wanted to eat every 45 mins to an hour. I figured it was a growth spurt again as she normally cluster feeds during those but I didn’t realize it was a “leap”, which differs from a growth spurt as that is more physical growing rather than mental.

So even though I am exhausted, as I still have no been able to properly nap or sleep, I’m going to try to embrace it and have patience. She needs me right now as it said she will feel most vulnerable during this time and I must be there for her to make her feel secure during this uncomfortable period.

So I will.

Update on the mood. Well, still feeling a bit down. Had a crying spell today and broke down to my husband. Told him I felt alone in this, especially because during the trip him and his mom got to do a bunch of things I couldn’t but normally would be able to do because of the baby. I felt very left out and alone as I was stuck nursing while they were out exploring. I feel very alone when I nurse because it makes me feel secluded sometimes, sitting up at night sometimes and everyone else is asleep peacefully while I sit and nurse my baby. I don’t mind it at times because I enjoy bonding wit her, just her and I, at 3am, but then other times it feels very lonely. Sometimes I want to feel included and normal, meaning to just get up and do what I want to at any moment.

I still miss my husband a lot. I miss our intimacy as we still haven’t had time to really cuddle together since I gave birth. Everything is about her and even though I’ve expressed this to him, it’s still hard to find that time to just be together. I always have to do something for her and I feel guilty saying that but I miss my husband. I miss cuddling with him too and spending time alone. But he said we will find our routine soon enough. It’s just been very busy around here. Family visiting for the holidays. It’s a hectic time but it will get better I’m sure.

I’m trying my best to stay healthy mentally and physically, but it’s tough. I don’t always get to eat properly or rest enough. My emotions are a bit scattered but other times I feel like I don’t have enough time to even feel anything especially depression.

But other times it does seep in. I’ve been struggling with feelings about my postpartum body. I was never really big. My prepregnancy weight was 100lbs. At 9 months pregnant I was 131lbs. After birth, I lost 16lbs and now I am down even more to 114lbs. I don’t want to lose a lot of weight because I want to keep my milk supply up , plus I do like my curves. But what I don’t like is my flabby belly. I know it’s because I lost my muscle tone due to the growing belly, but it’s hard to accept that as I had nice abs before.

Now I have a flab/pooch. And it bothers me. I don’t know how to get rid of it, but I know I shouldn’t focus on it either. I’m worried that my husband doesn’t love my body anymore but I know that’s ridiculous to think. I think that’s the depression part speaking, making me believe things that aren’t true.

I have to love myself a lot right now and really be patient and compassionate. I have to keep reminding myself that I am beautiful especially postpartum. That my body did something amazing. I have to keep telling myself that I am doing a great job, that I am a good mother, that this is hard but I am proud of myself.

Sometimes I doubt my own ability. I feel I don’t know what I am doing but again, lies. I don’t know what I am doing but I am doing the best I can and that is enough.

I am loving my daughter. I am being the best wife I can. That is enough.


Mama with grace

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