I wouldn’t say I have postpartum depression…or maybe I do? I don’t know. But I do know for sure that I have some type of baby blues. And I feel guilty as heck about it.
I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I feel that I should be happier than ever right now. That every waking moment should be filled with thoughts of gratefulness and glee for my baby girl and our new lives together. And it’s not that I don’t have those feelings. I do. There are moments when I just stare at her in awe because of how beautiful she is and how happy I am to have this little miracle in my life. But then there are also moments where I feel sad.
I miss things. I miss life as a couple. Just my husband and I. I miss the carefreeness of what life used to be even though at the time I didn’t think it was. I miss sleeping whenever I felt like it. I miss not having to be responsible for anyone else but myself. I miss cuddling with my husband, or intimacy in general. I miss being able to get up and go to the store or wherever without thinking twice. I miss my free time.
And yet all of these statements make me feel terrible and guilty, like I am such a selfish person – a bad mom. I don’t hate life with my baby at all. I love her so much. But why do I have all these feelings?
I guess there is no shame in it. It’s probably normal on some level. I mean, it is a major change in our lives, a transition. Of course there will be moments of grieving as we transition from the old to the new. What used to be to what is now.
It has to be normal. But why do I feel so much guilt over it? Like I have to defend myself over and over again?
I love my baby. I love my baby.
Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself? But I really do.
I just miss my husband. And I miss us. And I miss my old life too.
But maybe it is just a phase. Something I have to go through and then I will eventually learn to embrace this new life. To accept it and even flourish in it. Learn to live in this new norm.
I’m sure there are new ways to connect with my husband with a baby. To create new types of intimacy. I’m sure it doesn’t all go down the drain, does it? I think I have that fear. Especially because things have been quite distant between us ever since she has been born. Everything is about her, not because I am overly obsessed with my newborn but because I have to be because she relies on my for survival right now and she must take precedence.
But if I had it my way, I would want to carve out time to cuddle with my husband again. To have a date night. But it’s just not possible right now.
And it scares me because we have been irritable with each other as well, but I think that’s normal too especially when you are both sleep deprived and malnourished and running on empty most of the time. I don’t want to become another statistic. I will not allow that. I will not allow a baby to destroy my marriage. I don’t know why I am even thinking of these things.
Again…baby blues or postpartum depression? Not sure. But either way, I feel I am stuck in limbo right now. Torn between feeling happy and in love with my baby and feeling very sad and empty.
It will go away, right?
It’s not that I am crying all the time or completely emotional. I did earlier but it’s not all the time. I still have motivation to do things, I just feel like I can’t. Like I am stuck. But it will get better, right?
Life with a baby will get easier? It’s only been two weeks and change. It will improve. We will find our groove and our routines again. We will sleep again. We will cuddle again. We will find intimacy again. I just have to be patient. Allow this time of transition to pass. Allow myself to feel the feelings. But get rid of the guilt. No reason for it. I am allowed to feel this way and it does not mean I am a bad mother. I am great mother because I love my child so much and I take care of her every need.
But I love my husband too and I want to find a moment to tell him that. I don’t want too much time to pass. I don’t want to lose us.
Seeking advice to find balance I guess. But either way, I’m sure it will come.
In other news, we took her for her first stroll around the block today. She was in a completely deep sleep the entire time but I can tell she liked the warm spots of sun hitting her face every once in a while. I must look forward to what is to come, to the moments when we will be able to take her places and let her experience new things with us as a family. I must look forward to showing her the world, its beauty that I know still exists.
Other updates, I also built her bouncer today all by myself, which I am very proud of. I haven’t put her in it yet. But I’m excited for her to try it out.
We also bought her a dockatot, which is super great but I wish she loved it more. I mean she doesn’t cry but when I put her in it to sleep, she will wake up and fidget around until I pick her up again. We haven’t gotten a hold on the whole falling asleep on her own thing yet. She always wants to be held, which I don’t mind but I guess I do sometimes because it is very limiting not being able to just get up and do things.
She loves tummy time, especially on my chest. She usually falls asleep. But one amazing thing she does is lifts her head up pretty good and holds it. Pretty impressive for a two week old. She’s still a bobble head at times but definitely getting stronger.
I read her Snow White last night, which she really loved. She was listening with open eyes and looking at the pictures. I know she appreciates it.
I need to enjoy those moments more. Time does pass very quickly. I know it’s hard at 3am when I am exhausted and just want nothing more than sleep instead of having to change a diaper or feed, but it goes by fast. She’s already grown so much in two weeks. I don’t want to regret anything or kick myself in the face for wanting time to go by faster. I need to enjoy every second, every day, no matter how ordinary or mundane. Everything for her is new so I must see the wonder in that and learn from it.
mama with grace