Your Will, Not Mine…

Can I just start with this verse?

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 NIV

A few days ago, I had to realize that me stressing and worrying was not doing any thing for my situation. It was only causing me agony and suffering and a high pulse and high blood pressure. I needed to quit allowing myself to remain on the hamster wheel and simply let go.

It’s not like I was ever in control anyway! God is the Ultimate Controller. We may try to make plans but He is the ultimate controller of our steps. And you know what…it really is better that way. Because most of the time, we don’t know what we are doing. We think we do, but ultimately God knows best.

So I had to simply surrender. And every time my brain wanted to switch back to the worry thoughts, I would forcibly have to wrangle it back it. Pray instead of worry.

Repeat. I trust you God. I trust Your will for my life and my situation, not mine.

I trust You want something good for me. I trust that you have a better plan in mind. I trust that you will provide. I trust that you will be faithful. I trust that you keep your promises.

Over and over again, I had to say these affirmation. And over and over again, I had to keep praying for his peace.

Yesterday, was my important appointment with the specialist doctor. The night before I had a terrible nightmare that I don’t want to get too deep into but I know for sure it was something demonic trying to attack me. In my dream, I sensed the evil presence and I actually prayed in my dream for it to leave me alone. I woke up from it with a racing heart and prayed in real life too for God’s protection as something was definitely trying to attack me.

Once I prayed, this other verse came to mind:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27 NIV

God’s peace was with me from that point on. I asked for it so He faithfully provided.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit different. Normally, I would be very anxious prior to going to a doctor’s appointment, but I actually felt that peace. I made sure to continue to fill my mind with His word, thinking only on things that were true and worthy to think on. I continued to keep asking for His peace to cover me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head all day long so that my heart would not be anxious about whatever I was going to find out later on that day about me and my baby.

The time for the appointment came around. My husband and I drove down to the office and patiently awaited to be called in. I was a little nervous but I had a deep sense of peace that there was good news ahead. I just knew it.

We were called in and entered his office. He said he wanted to go over our options for the breech situation but first before giving us a 45 minute lecture, he wanted to check the baby’s position one last time, just to make sure.

My husband squeezed my hand and in my mind, all I kept repeating was “I trust You God.”

We entered the ultrasound room and the doctor asked if he could palpate first to check the baby’s position. He put his hands in position on my belly and with a quick feel around, he smiled and said, “YEP!” Then he turned the ultrasound machine on, put it at the bottom of my stomach and there it was, a head.

“This baby is head down!” He said.

My eyes instantly filled with tears. I couldn’t believe it. She was head down. I don’t know when she possibly flipped but she did and it was incredible news. My husband and I both had the biggest smiles on our faces and all I kept repeating now was “Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

God is so faithful. And I am completely speechless and in awe over how much He loves me and my family to have answered our prayers.

After that point, I felt the stress that my body had been carrying for weeks instantly melt away.

The rest of the appointment was amazing as well. We were able to confirm that all was going well with the pregnancy, that my little girl is growing on track, that my placenta is in excellent condition, that my fluid levels were perfect. He also eased my worries about the tachardyia and blood pressure spikes when I get anxious. He checked my pulse and it was normal. He said I was fine, it is just anxiety and it doesn’t harm the baby.

I was reassured on so many levels that I felt like this was the best doctor’s visit anyone could ask for. We even got to see a 3D scan of our little girl. She appeared rather bothered with an angry grimace on her face but I know she was probably just thinking, “Mama, why did you stress out so much? I’m fine!”

We thanked the doctor for everything, even though all he really did was just give us the best news ever, which is more than I could ask for.

My husband and I could not stop smiling as we drove home. I just feel extremely grateful for everything and am so amazed by God’s faithfulness.

He never fails, it’s true.

And I honestly don’t know how to show my gratitude for this news besides repeating “thank you” over and over again.

So now, my goal is to keep her in optimal position, as she is already in it right now. Doctor said to just keep walking, don’t stress, and basically don’t do anything more.

Now we are in the waiting game. I am 37+3 days today. We are in the home stretch, folks!

Part of me has that fear of “too good to be true” but the other part of me is like, “stop it. Those are just lies of the enemy trying to make you go back into fear again, and fear is definitely not something God gives us.”

So once again, I am trusting God. I am trusting in His will, not mine. I am trusting that the rest of this journey will work out for good. I am trusting that she will stay in this optimal position. I am trusting that God will bring me and my baby through this birth experience in a healthy, safe way. I am trusting that my body was made for this. I am trusting in my Father, who knows best!


Mama with Grace

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