This is supposed to be relaxing.

I’m currently on my way to go get a prenatal massage. It was suggested to me by my chiropractor as she said my lower back is severely tight, most likely due to stress. What else is new?

So after putting it off for a few weeks due to me not feeling like I should spend the money on it, even though I really wanted to, I finally booked the appointment. Why procrastinate any further? I deserve good things too. I shouldn’t constantly deprive myself just because of the money, even though technically right now I am severely broke but that’s a whole other story for another day.

This is supposed to be relaxing. I’m supposed to be excited that I am finally doing something for myself. This is not a doctor’s appointment or some other type of dreaded appointments. This is a massage!! Relaxing. Lavender. Spa music.

And yet here I am — anxious. Stressed. Well it could be the fact that my husband, who can never get ready on time, is making us run late to the appointment. Sorry, don’t mean to complain. I love my husband, but he really has no sense of punctuality, and I, on the other hand, am extremely punctual. I like being early if anything, but now we are most likely going to be 10 minutes late than then 10 minutes early that I wanted to me.

But, besides that, today I have been feeling a bit more anxious than days before. Maybe it’s because I have my “big” appointment tomorrow with the specialist and I am afraid of how it will go. Will I be brushed off as a nutcase again and classified as someone with tachardyia and high blood pressure instead of simply an anxiety disorder? Or will I actually be listened to? Given understand and compassion?

Is this appointment going to put me into further stress or is this going to ease some of my worries? Who knows. But either way, I am semi dreading it yet semi wanting to get it over with just to get some sense of what the next step is.

And next, the other reason I could possibly be more anxious today is because after checking my updates on my medical chart from my last appointment at the birth center, I noticed some notes in my file that were quite disappointing.

Sigh.

I’m tired. I really, really am tired of being labeled.

I mean, honestly, have medical professional never seen an anxious, pregnant woman before? And have they never experienced someone with white coat hypertension? And have they never seen someone’s heart rate go up when they were anxious?

Are these all rare things?

They must be because this is how I am treated. Like I am extremely rare and strange and something must possibly be wrong with me medically instead of mentally.

So I check my chart and it has the labels “anxiety disorder” and “tachardyia” (condition where your pulse is over 100bpm).

So as I mentioned in my previous post, my heart rate was pretty high at my last appointment (160bpm) after my blood pressure was taken as I was 1) already anxious previously 2) just received bad news that baby was still breech so trying to process that 3) I am terrified of blood pressure machines.

My midwife obviously freaked and quickly went down the same route as my previous doctor. Quickly labeling me as someone with tachardyia.

I tried to tell her this is normal when I get anxious and when my blood pressure is taken. But I am not normally like this on a daily basis, meaning having a resting heart rate of 160bpm.

She said, “well I don’t necessarily think I believe you.”

Well thanks. Thanks for crushing my hopes of finding a medical provider that I thought understood me and would give me the benefit of the doubt that I have anxiety and not all these conditions.

I know…I know… they are just trying to cover themselves because, God forbid, something really did go wrong, they can say that I had these conditions that were probably the cause instead of brushing it off as nerves. So I get it.

BUT… the part that bothers me is I did all the tests…numerous times… that prove that I am healthy. That I do not have any underlying conditions. I did the blood work. The monitoring. The urine samples. The ekgs and whatever else they put you through. And all came out normal…

So why continue to put me through this. Why continue to instill fear in me that something has to be wrong. That it’s just not normal that I am an anxious person that does not enjoy being constantly checked or probed by medical professionals. What if I just don’t like going to the doctor’s? Is that so wrong?

Maybe I’m over reacting, I don’t know. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe because it was only my second visit she just doesn’t know me or trust me yet. So I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to have a better experience next time.

I bought a Fitbit so I have a continuous pulse monitor now that can prove that my true resting heart rate is around 70bpm, which is normal. And I can show her that chart and show that it only spikes during times of severe anxiety, which is pretty much only in the doctor’s office.

I tested it and even when I get a little anxious anytime else.. it stays within the 110-130bpm range at the most. When I work out, it’s around 99-115bpm.

So I stamp myself healthy.

Anyway, I’m at my massage appointment finally. So let’s see how this goes.

Edit (after massage appointment):

I just finished my massage appointment. Well…it was interesting. For pregnant people they have you lay in this specialized pillow thing with your bump in a hole and two more holes for your breasts and your head still goes inside another hole, which is pretty claustrophobic, but I managed to ease into it.

I tried to focus on the actual massage part. I could feel that my body was pretty tense at some points just because I don’t really like strangers touching me. I kept focusing on the meditation music. I was hoping there would be lavender oil on but nope.

The masseuse was very nice though. She tried her best to help me relax. Asked about the baby. She did good. I mean my lower back feels better, but not sure if I was in the best state of mind for it. My mind still raced a bit. I kept thinking of my heart rate as I could feel it pulsing at times when she hit certain spots that made me uncomfortable. And then that would trigger thinking about doctors and everything else followed.

I also felt like after a half hour it was tough to sit still, or rather lay face down. I wanted to fidget around so bad. But I kept reminding myself…surrender… surrender… practice surrendering.

I tried not to think about whether it was actually helping flip the baby and just focus on that it felt good. But of course then I thought about how it was costing me $100 and I started to become stressed again.

Sigh.

My journey to relaxing is not going very well is it. I’m not quite sure if pregnancy agrees with me yet. I hope motherhood does. I’d gladly take sleepless nights and hard work over all of this worry and stress over whether or not I am healthy enough to have this baby.

But once again… have to stick with the affirmations.

I am healthy. My baby is healthy. I will get through this pregnancy, labor/delivery in a safe and healthy way. I will be complication free. It will all be over soon, and I will have my baby girl to show for it.

On to the next adventure right…

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